Medicine of The Past: Skip The Doctor, Go To The Morgue

Got a fever? Maybe a slight headache? Today, it's a quick fix with a pill. But centuries ago, that was your cue to preorder your tombstone, especially if you needed to visit the doctor. That simple sneeze was often your last.

Less than 200-300 years ago, a time when medical degrees were as useful as silent alarm clocks and about as scientifically valid as today's horoscope reading. A trip to the doctor was more dangerous than jumping from an airplane without a parachute. If the bubonic plague didn’t get you, the doctor's remedies probably would. The era was reminiscent of the dark and haunting tales of Edgar Allan Poe. You walk into the “clinic” with a headache, and the next thing you know, you're being bled like a sacrificial lamb at an altar of ignorance. Many practices were highly ineffective, stupidly simplistic, and often unnecessarily gory.

Here are six (6) absurd practices, most of which were stopped as recently as the 19th century for clear reasons.

1- Bloodletting (up to the 19th century)

One of the most common medical practices for centuries, bloodletting involved drawing blood from a patient to cure or prevent illness and disease. This practice often involved cutting a patient's vein and allowing blood to drain, sometimes in large quantities, or using bloodsucking leeches. The idea was that bad blood was the cause of sickness and was used to treat various conditions, from fevers and inflammations to mental illnesses. So, what’s the best way to get rid of bad blood? Drain it. Fever? Drain it. Feeling a bit moody? You guessed it – drain it!

2- Trepanation (up to the 18th Century)

This is the surgical act of drilling or scraping a hole into the human skull. Believed to cure everything from migraines to evil spirits, it was an early attempt at brain surgery. The logic? Just drill a hole in the skull and let out the headache, after which I’m pretty sure patients didn’t complain about it anymore because they had bigger problems.

“The Extraction of the Stone of Madness”, a painting depicting trepanation, by Hieronymus Bosch

3- Tooth Transplantation (up to the 18th Century)

There was a brief trend of transplanting teeth from the mouths of the poor or deceased into the gums of the wealthy. This practice was not only unsuccessful but also led to the spread of diseases like syphilis. Nothing says 'wealth and status' like having some poor guy’s teeth jammed into your gums.

4- Mercury Treatments (up to the 19th Century)

Mercury. Great for thermometers, terrible for curing disease. Mercury was widely used to treat various illnesses, most notably syphilis. However, the cure was often worse than the disease, turning patients into toothless, neurologically damaged individuals. It's like fighting fire with a flamethrower – bold but will only speed up the fire damage.

5- Miasma Theory (up to the 19th Century)

Before the germ theory of disease, which states that microorganisms known as pathogens cause disease, miasma theory was prevalent. It meant that diseases such as cholera, Black Death, or the Great Plague were caused by a “miasma,” or a form of “bad air.” This led to treatments focused on purifying the air, often using incense or fumigations, which had little to no effect on the pathogens causing the diseases. Bad smells causing the plague? Just dangle an air freshener from your horse’s neck and carry a large bottle of lavender perfume in your holster for safe measures.

Passengers from Toulon and Marseilles fuminated at the Paris Station

6- Use of Tobacco Smoke Enemas (up to the 19th Century)

This practice is the cherry on the sundae — the most logical and effective one of them all. It involved blowing tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum. Tobacco was believed to have various medicinal properties after being imported from the New World. It was particularly used for resuscitating drowning victims, based on the idea that the warm tobacco smoke could stimulate breathing. It was the medical equivalent of jump-starting a car but way less dignified. Nothing says ‘medical breakthrough’ like blowing smoke up someone’s backside.

A resuscitation kit from the early 19th century

If you ever find yourself grumbling about modern healthcare, just remember the good old days. Back then, a doctor might recommend a nice, relaxing smoke enema instead of giving a patient CPR. Suddenly, waiting 3 hours in a clinic only for the doctor to reschedule your appointment doesn't seem so bad, does it? At least your chances of being cured are higher than ending up in the morgue. Cheers to that!